


Reminiscences

by dragons_SRSunn



Series: Insights [3]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Spoilers for Squirrelflight's Hope and Veil of Shadows, only a little though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26582371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragons_SRSunn/pseuds/dragons_SRSunn
Summary: Crowfeather copes with Leafpool's death.
Relationships: Crowfeather & Squirrelflight
Series: Insights [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877074
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	Reminiscences

**Author's Note:**

> This was really written by a friend who was too shy to get her own account.

It was odd, really. When Feathertail died, Crowfeather had felt shattered and angry-at Sharptooth, at the Tribe, at himself. He would have thought he would feel the same way when Leafpool died. He did, but he also felt empty, hollow, as though one of his legs had been cut off.

It was odd, because he and Leafpool had barely spoken to each other in moons-seasons! And when they had, it had been strictly of Clan matters, one Clan's deputy to another Clan's medicine cat, each avoiding the other's eyes. The average cat would think that her death wouldn't spark anything close to the turmoil of feelings raging within Crowfeather.

The average cat would be wrong.

Why had he ever thought it was a good idea to attack the Sisters?

It had made sense at the time. The Sisters were on territory the Clans needed for SkyClan. Once the Sisters were off that territory, SkyClan could move onto that territory, and each Clan could reclaim their hunting grounds, and the borders could go back to normal.

And so, shortly before dawn on that terrible day-but he didn't know how terrible it would be, not yet-Crowfeather, Harestar, and a patrol of WindClan's strongest warriors met up with the leaders and deputies from ThunderClan, ShadowClan, and RiverClan-except Squirrelflight, for some reason-along with a few warriors from each of those Clans. They gathered on SkyClan territory. The plan was to show the Sisters the combined strength of the Clans, in the hope that they would leave, preferably without a fight. At dawn, they walked into the Sisters' camp.

Squirrelflight was already there.

Some confusion followed-they tried to figure out what she was doing there, she tried to tell them that they had made their point and could leave.

This led to some arguing among the Clans(but when did anything _not_ lead to arguing among the Clans?). Tigerstar accused Squirrelflight of being a traitor. Bramblestar replied that Squirrelflight's actions were up to her. Breezepelt agreed that Squirrelflight was disloyal, and then, of course, had to go on to say, "And it's not the first time. You raised your sister's half-Clan kits and told your Clanmates and Bramblestar they were your own! You're a liar."

Crowfeather glared at him. Did he really have to bring this up again? They'd been through this! Numerous times!

Bramblestar apparently felt similarly, because he told Breezepelt, "We came here to talk to the Sisters, not rake up old bones."

"We didn't expect to find your deputy here, mixing with the enemy!" Breezepelt snapped. "Squirrelflight's disloyal. She's been disloyal before. She can't be trusted."

Crowfeather sighed. Surely Squirrelflight had a reason for her actions? She always had a reason for what she did, whether it was tagging along on the quest to the sun-drown-place or pretending that her sister's kits were hers. Did they really have to have this argument now? Couldn't they have it somewhere else, preferably _not_ in front of three other Clans and a group of rogues?

Squirrelflight hissed at Breezepelt. "You don't get to lecture me on loyalty! Who did you fight for in the battle with the Dark Forest?"

Anger pulsed beneath Crowfeather's pelt. Breezepelt had changed since then! Was he the only cat who saw that?

He had to do something to stop this, before Nightcloud or Lionblaze got involved. Thank StarClan Jayfeather wasn't here, at least.

He stepped forward. "We can listen to Squirrelflight's explanation later. Move out of the way," he told her. "We've come to move the Sisters." Technically, they'd only come to warn the Sisters, but perhaps it was better to just get this over with, before any more- the euphemism Ashfoot had used to use was _family history_ \- was brought up.

The Sisters, Clans, and Squirrelflight exchanged threats and pleas. Then one of the Sisters, a yellow she-cat, attacked Harestar. The battle began.

At some point, the Sisters retreated. Crowfeather was chasing them along with most of the rest of the Clan cats when he overheard Squirrelflight urgently telling Bramblestar that she and Leafpool had come to help Moonlight, the leader of the Sisters, give birth.

"Where is she?" Bramblestar asked.

"Leafpool and the others have taken her and the kits somewhere safe." Squirrelflight replied.

"Where?"

"A cave. I've never seen it before, but it can't be far."

"Do you think that's where the others have fled?" Bramblestar asked her.

"They might think they can defend it from the Clans," Squirrelflight meowed slowly.

Wait, so Leafpool was-

"Did you say Leafpool was in a cave?" Crowfeather demanded.

"They'll be trapped," Bramblestar growled. "Tigerstar and the others will have them cornered."

Crowfeather turned and ran, following the yowls and screeches. What had Leafpool been _thinking_? Her insistence on helping every cat she met had gotten her trapped on the wrong side of a battle! Did she have to help every cat she came across?

 _Yes_ , a small part of him acknowledged, _or else she wouldn't be Leafpool._

He had no idea what he would do when he reached the cave. He was a WindClan cat, and had to fight with them. He couldn't very well stop the battle because Leafpool was with the Sisters. Maybe he could try to convince the Sisters to leave peacefully. Or maybe Leafpool would come up with something. She was a smart, resourceful cat. Or maybe Squirrelflight and Bramblestar-

He reached the other warriors, who were standing at the edge of a clearing. At the base of a cliff, boulders and rubble formed a cave. Two of the Sisters stood inside it, facing the Warriors.

And Leafpool was somewhere in there....

This was ridiculous. Why couldn't the Sisters have left when the Clans told them to? Then they wouldn't be having this battle and SkyClan could go onto this new territory(and Leafpool wouldn't be trapped in a cave with the Sisters)!

"Are you ready to leave yet?" Tigerstar demanded.

"We stay," Moonlight snarled from beside her campmates. She looked exhausted.

 _Well, of course she looks exhausted,_ Crowfeather thought, _if her kits were just born._

"But you're outnumbered," Harestar told her.

"We can defend this cave for as long as we have to," she replied.

"Then we'll flush you out," Tigerstar told her. He nodded to a warrior named Scorchfur and ShadowClan's deputy, Cloverfoot. "Climb on top of the cave and start digging."

"Be careful!" Squirrelflight called.

As Cloverfoot and Scorchfur dug through the soil and rocks on top of the cave, dirt began to fall over the entrance.

Bramblestar began speaking quietly to Tigerstar, sounding concerned.

_Because his medicine cat is in there...._

Moonlight suddenly cried, "Attack!"

The Sisters all ran forward, launching themselves upon the Clan cats. The battle began again.

Crowfeather was struggling to get out from under a gray she-cat-why did the Sisters have to be so big?-when she suddenly stiffened, staring at something out of Crowfeather's line of sight. Then she leapt off him and ran. Crowfeather scrambled to his paws in time to see her racing after Squirrelflight, who was running into the cave, which was collapsing.

Around him, as the noise of the collapsing cave grew louder and louder, more and more cats stopped fighting as they realized what was going on.

The Sisters began streaming toward the cave, just as the gray she-cat ran out. She dropped a tiny squirming bundle of fur in front of the yellow she-cat.

"Hawk!" a white she-cat cried. "Where-"

"In the back," she panted. "They're getting them." She raced back into the cave. Several of the Sisters tried to follow her, but they couldn't get past the falling diet and stones.

Another of the Sisters brought the kit over to Moonlight, who was lying on the ground, covered in blood, looking half dead.

They gray she-cat-Hawk-reappeared, thrust another kit at the yellow she-cat, and disappeared into the cave again.

The sound of collapsing rocks grew louder and louder. The air around the cave was so full of dust and dirt that Crowfeather could hardly see into it. Why weren't Leafpool and Squirrelflight coming out? Crowfeather could barely hear himself think.

Hawk came racing out of the cave with a tiny, muddy kit swinging from her jaws just as, with a sound like Twoleg monsters, with a sound to rival Sharptooth's roar, with a sound like the end of the world, the cave completely fell in, the worst of the rocks just missing Hawk's tail.

For a moment, there was nothing but an utter, deathly silence.

Then pandemonium erupted, as every cat realized who had not made it out of the cave.

Crowfeather forced himself to remain calm, taking deep breaths, trying to slow his racing heartbeat, even though he felt like running around and screeching in panic with everyone else. He was the _WindClan deputy_. He couldn't afford to lose control, not if he wanted any chance of rescuing Leafpool.

It was Bramblestar who yowled for order, Bramblestar who suggested that the Sisters go to SkyClan, Bramblestar who asked Hawk approximately where in the cave Leafpool and Squirrelflight had been, and Bramblestar who ordered cats to begin digging through the rocks, right around where Leafpool and Squirrelflight had last been seen. All the cats there dug, even Tigerstar, Cloverfoot, and Scorchfur, all three of whom looked shell-shocked.

As Breezepelt moved to take his spot, his pelt brushed against Crowfeather's. Crowfeather blinked at him in surprise, then began digging frantically through the rubble, right alongside Bramblestar, who was digging with the same desperate light in his eyes the Crowfeather was sure was in his. 

Crowfeather dug through the rocks until his pads were scraped and bleeding, and three of his claws were nearly torn out, but he didn't care. He would have dug forever if he'd had to.

They found Squirrelflight first. She was so covered in dirt that her ginger pelt was almost unrecognizable. Her head was stained with blood.

They lifted her out gingerly, trying to keep her as still as possible. They laid her gently on the ground, and cleared the soil away from her nose and mouth so she would breathe easier. Thank StarClan, she was breathing!

They found Leafpool shortly and an interminably long time afterwards. She was lying still, so still, covered in dirt and rocks.

As each she-cat was lifted onto the backs of two ThunderClan cats, Bramblestar suddenly, quietly, began speaking to Crowfeather.

"If there's any-" his voice cracked- " _news-_ we'll let you know." His eyes were fixed on Squirrelflight.

Crowfeather nodded once.

Then Bramblestar rushed over to assist the cats carrying Squirrelflight, and Crowfeather, after one last glance toward the departing ThunderClan cats, returned to the moor with his Clan.

He was full of nervous energy. Kestrelflight had told him that because of his loose claws and scraped pads, he shouldn't hunt today, and yet he couldn't stay still, so he kept pacing around and around the camp, despite the pain in his paws.

Finally Heathertail threatened to get Smokehaze and Brindlewing to sit on him while Kestrelflight treated his paws. So he sat down long enough for Kestrelflight to apply a poultice, and then immediately got up and began pacing again, despite the poultice on his paws and ignoring Nightcloud's "Kestrelflight told you to _rest_ , Crowfeather, for StarClan's sake!" 

Later, what he would remember as almost the worst part of that day would be not the battle, not the rockfall, but the interminably, endless _waiting_.

It was the longest day of Crowfeather's life.

As the sun set, the dusk patrol came back from patrolling the ThunderClan border with the news that Squirrelflight had regained consciousness, but Leafpool was dead.

It was a small mercy that night was falling, so there were no more patrols to send out. He wouldn't have had the head for it. As it was, he barely managed to nod the patrol toward Harestar's den to tell him the news.

He didn't remember doing it, but later, the earth where he had been standing was churned nearly to dust, the grass ripped to shreds.

He didn't sleep that night. He couldn't have, even if he'd wanted to. He waited until all the other cats were asleep, then quietly crept out and sat at the edge of camp, gazing silently up at the stars, sitting his own quiet vigil. _Why?_ he asked wordlessly, staring up at the cold light of the stars. _Why?_

But there was no answer.

Over the next few days, a few cats noticed that Crowfeather seemed distracted. He would call cats by the wrong names, or put them on different patrols than they'd previously been assigned to. He did his best not to lose focus, though. He concentrated very hard on whatever he was doing, because if he would lose focus for a moment, his emotions would overwhelm him.

That first Gathering after her death was terrible. As deputy and medicine cat, each of them had almost always attended Gatherings. Leafpool sat with the medicine cats; Crowfeather sat with the deputies. They rarely spoke to each other.

And yet, each of them, when the other's Clan entered the clearing, automatically looked for the other, sometimes not even realizing they were doing it, as if making sure the other was safe and whole. This automatic check-in lasted for barely more than a heartbeat, and then they would go back to whatever they had been doing.

Crowfeather, sitting beside the Great Oak with the other deputies when ThunderClan entered the clearing, couldn't help himself from doing so again, searching for the cat who was not there.

First came Bramblestar and Squirrelflight, the latter leaning on the former as though he was supporting her, although that could have been because she still limped. Her eyes were hollow.

Behind them were Jayfeather and Alderheart, the remaining medicine cats, walking close enough for their fur to brush each other.

And there, beside Jayfeather, an empty space where no cat was walking.

That empty space hit Crowfeather like a physical blow. He staggered, taking a step back.

Nearby, Reedwhisker broke off his conversation with Hawkwing and glanced over at him. "Are you all right?"

Crowfeather nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

He barely registered the rest of the Gathering. He did remember, at one point, glaring at Tigerstar and wondering what it would be like to shred his ears, never mind that he was ShadowClan's leader and Tawnypelt's son(not to mention that he had pretty much rebuilt ShadowClan and had been the only one strong and stable enough to do so, so if anything happened to him, ShadowClan, and possibly the other four Clans, would most likely be plunged back into the post-Darktail chaos, a small part of Crowfeather's mind insisted on reminding him).

And then, at the end of the Gathering, all the cats there cried out Leafpool's name to the stars, honoring her. Crowfeather liked that. She deserved to be honored. But he didn't join in. He knew that if he opened his mouth, his self-control would shatter and all his tangled emotions would come pouring out. And so while all the cats around him honored Leafpool by calling her name to the stars, Crowfeather stared blankly ahead at nothing.

That night, he lay curled up in his nest until all the other warriors were asleep. Then he crept out of his nest, out of camp, and ran as fast as he could, like a true WindClan cat, until he was alone on the moor for as far as the eye could see. He halted and looked at the sky. He wasn't sure what he was looking for-a ghost, a sign, anything. But there was nothing except for the silver full moon, gazing down at him like a silver eye, and the stars, glimmering coldly at him like they had for a hundred other nights.

He listed his head and yowled at the stars, a strangled, wordless cry of anger and grief and love breaking the silence of the night.

He couldn't sleep that night, nor the next. Kestrelflight noticed that Crowfeather was having trouble sleeping (although if he knew _why_ Crowfeather was having trouble sleeping he didn't say anything) and gave him a poppy seed. it gave him sleep, but it was an uneasy sleep, full of nightmares. First he dreamed he was with Leafpool in the cave as it was collapsing. She was cowering away from the falling rocks, her amber eyes wide. Then an onslaught of falling stones and earth landed on her, blocking her from Crowfeather's view.

 _"Leafpool!"_ he shouted.

Then the ground disappeared, and Leafpool was falling, falling through the air, falling forever, until suddenly she hit the stone floor. with a sickening _thud_ and lay here, limbs askew. Crowfeather tried to run to her, but his paws were frozen in place, and he couldn't move, and her fur wasn't brown anymore, it was silver.

He woke up, gasping.

He waited until his heart rate had returned to normal, then stumbled out of his nest into the hollow and nearly sent the first three cats he saw there on dawn patrol before realizing that one of them was Kestrelflight, so he went and woke up Slightfoot or Hootwhisker or whatever his name was and sent him with the other two.

In an attempt to keep busy, he went hunting. After missing two of what should have been the easiest catches all moon, he managed to catch a bluebird. It was already in flight, flying low over the heath, but he managed to catch it by jumping high like he'd learned in the mountains(don't think about the mountains), sinking his claws into its wing, and dragging it down with him to the ground, where he managed to kill it.

On his way back to camp he met Breezepelt. They nodded at each other.

"So, uh," Breezepelt meowed, looking awkward. "How are you?"

"Fine," Crowfeather mumbled through a mouthful of bloody bluebird feathers.

Breezepelt looked as though he wanted to say something more, but didn't.

Communication had never been one of Breezepelt's strong points, Crowfeather mused to himself. Then again, it had never been one of Crowfeather's, either. They had that in common.

Breezepelt walked with Crowfeather all the way back to the camp, where Crowfeather deposited his somewhat-mangled bluebird on the fresh-kill pile and wandered away without taking anything. He wasn't hungry.

He was on dusk patrol by the ThunderClan border. It was during the latter part of twilight, when it was closer to night than day. It was hard to see. A cat could be right on the other side of the border and they would barely see it.

Oatclaw-who was still slightly miffed at Crowfeather for calling him Hootwhisker the other day-stiffened suddenly. "I smell ThunderClan cats," he announced.

Crowfeather squinted over the border. He couldn't see any cats, although there were some moving shadows that might have been a patrol, and there, a pair of amber eyes.

Crowfeather inhaled sharply. Those eyes. The shape, the color.

Bushes rustled, and the moving shadows, which did turn out to be a ThunderClan patrol, reached the border. The cat at the head of the patrol, Thornclaw, nodded to the WindClan cats. At the back of the patrol, Lionblaze materialized through the gloom, looking downcast. He nodded at Crowfeather, his amber eyes glinting in the half-light. Crowfeather barely managed to nod back. 

After the patrol had passed, he dug his claws into the earth, hating himself for allowing himself to feel that one moment of exquisite, terrible hope. Then he continued on. 

It was Nightcloud who noticed he wasn't eating.

"I _am_ eating," he objected when she confronted him. "I had a sparrow this morning. You saw me eat it."

She snorted. "Yes, I saw you eat it. You had two and a half bites of it before you gave the rest to Featherpelt. A sparrow is barely enough to fill a full-grown cat, let alone two and a half bites of one."

"I'm fine," he insisted. "I'm just not hungry."

NIghtcloud sighed. "And you haven't been hungry since the battle with the Sisters, is that it? Starving yourself isn't going to bring her back, you know."

Crowfeather flinched. He unsheathed his claws.

"Don't get me wrong," Nightcloud continued. "I didn't like Leafpool. I still don't. But I care about _you_ , and you can't be a strong deputy for the Clan, or a good father to Breezepelt, or good kin to Smokehaze and Brindlewing and Heathertail's new kits if you aren't eating and you're not focused on anything. You need to eat something."

She glared at Crowfeather.

Crowfeather glared right back.

Nightcloud stalked over to the fresh-kill pile, sunk her teeth in to a crow(the irony did not escape him),and dragged it over to Crowfeather.

"Here," she said, just like she had when Breezepelt was a kit and she was trying to coax him to eat his fresh-kill. "Eat."

He ate.

When Harestar pulled him aside to talk to him, Crowfeather fully expected to be reprimanded, and rightfully so. He'd been distracted recently, lost in his grief, and his sleep troubles weren't helping.

"So," Harestar began, "how are you?"

"Fine," Crowfeather replied.

"I wanted to tell you," the WindClan leader continued, "that I'm impressed with you."

Crowfeather was stunned. " _What_ did you say?"

"I'm impressed with you," Harestar repeated. "Not many cats could have lost a cat dear to them-yes, even a former, forbidden mate-and hold themselves together the way you've done.

"And for what it's worth," Harestar continued, "I realize that yours was an unusual, complicated situation, but...I'm sorry for your loss."

Crowfeather blinked. NO cat had said that to him, although he must have felt her death as keenly as Squirrelflight.

"However," Harestar went on, "you aren't performing at your best. You've been distracted, you called three cats by the wrong name in the past two days, your hunting skills aren't as good as they were before, and Kestrelflight tells me you've been having trouble sleeping."

Crowfeather nodded once.

Harestar's voice softened slightly. "You're the deputy, Crowfeather. The Clan needs you."

Crowfeather waited to see where Harestar was going with this.

"I want you to take the rest of the day off," Harestar told him. "Go for a walk, get some fresh air, calm yourself, make your peace. Tomorrow morning I want you back, clearheaded and focused, like you used to be."

He waved his tail at Crowfeather and turned to go. Just before he was out of earshot, Crowfeather managed to rasp, "Thank you."

Crowfeather wandered the moor alone, sometimes walking, sometimes running, sometimes jumping like a kit. It felt nice to just be able to be alone and do his own thing without the pressure of having to control himself around other cats or of having to get back to camp. He hadn't even known he''d needed this.

As dusk fell, he debated whether or not to return to camp. He decided not to. The solitude was nice, and he wanted to enjoy it for as long as he could. Besides, Harestar had said tomorrow _morning_ , after all.

The stars began to come out, but he didn't look at them.

Soon after the stars came out, he found himself near the ThunderClan border. _Near_ it, not _over_ it, as he planned on telling any ThunderClan cat who challenged him. He didn't know why his paws had brought him here. It wasn't as if he was hoping to see her. That moon was long since over, and besides-his claws clenched-she no longer walked this earth. Even so, he did not make his way back into WindClan territory.

A twig snapping brought him out of his reverie.

"Who's that?" he called.

"Who are you?" a voice shot back at him.

Crowfeather recognized that voice. "Squirrelflight?" 

"Yes." A shape moved forward, green eyes glowing in the darkness. "Crowfeather?"

"What are you doing so close to the WindClan border?" he challenged.

"What are _you_ doing so close to the ThunderClan border?" Squirrelflight retorted.

"I was taking a walk," Crowfeather defended himself.

"So was I." Squirrelflight paused. "How are you?"

"Fine," Crowfeather meowed, his fur bristling in annoyance-why did cats keep asking him how he was?

 _Be polite,_ he heard Ashfoot's voice tell him in the back of his mind, in time for him to remember to ask, "And you?" without there being too long of a pause in the conversation.

"I'm fine," Squirrelflight informed him.

Crowfeather and Squirrelflight regarded each other for a moment.

"We're not fine, are we?" Squirrelflight finally asked.

"No," Crowfeather admitted. 

He wouldn't have said that to any other cat living-at least, not without a lot of coaxing and arguing. But this was Squirrelflight, the cat he had journeyed with to the sun-drown-place and back, Feathertail's friend, Leafpool's sister, who had risked everything to raise Leafpool's kits as her own. His kits.

"How are, uh..."

"Lionblaze and Jayfeather?" Squirrelflight finished for him. "They're fine. Well, they're not fine. But they'll be fine. I hope."

She sighed.

"I miss her," she whispered. "I keep turning around to ask her something, or going into the medicine den to talk to her, and she isn't there..."

Crowfeather nodded, remembering the Gathering. He imagined it must be even worse in the ThunderClan camp, where Leafpool's scent and memory were everywhere.

"I mean," Squirrelflight continued, "I know she's happy and safe and well in StarClan, but it's just..."

Her voice trailed off, and she took a deep breath.

"How can you know that for sure?" Crowfeather asked.

Squirrelflight gave him a surprised look. "You heard me at the Gathering. I was there."

Now that she mentioned it, that did sound vaguely familiar.

"But...you were _in_ StarClan? You saw them, spoke to them?"

"As clearly as I'm speaking to you now," she told him.

Crowfeather didn't particularly care for that comparison.

"Both Leafpool and I were badly injured and near death," Squirrelflight explained. "Close enough to death to allow us to walk in StarClan's hunting grounds, as though we were part of them. My body healed enough to allow my spirit to return, but Leafpool's...didn't.

Both cats bowed their heads for a moment.

"But she's happy there," Squirrelflight continued. "I saw her. She's with Firestar and Sandstorm and Hollyleaf and Cinderpelt. She isn't in any pain. She's at peace."

_At peace._

That was what the medicine cats always said, and yet they'd been wrong before-hadn't Ashfoot visited him in dreams several times before going on to StarClan? But Squirrelflight had actually been _in_ StarClan, even more so than whatever it was the medicine cats normally did.

"Would you like to visit her?" Squirrelflight asked suddenly.

Crowfeather blinked. "What?"

"Her grave," Squirrelflight clarified. "Where we buried her. Do you want to visit her?"

Crowfeather blinked again. He did want to. But...

"I can't get caught on ThunderClan territory."

"So we won't get caught," Squirrelflight decided. "Besides, I'm the ThunderClan deputy, so if you're with me, you'll be fine."

"And I'm the _WindClan_ deputy," Crowfeather countered. "I'll be in a lot of trouble if I"m found on another Clan's territory."

"For StarClan's sake, Crowfeather." Squirrelflight rolled her eyes, suddenly looking and sounding like the younger Squirrelflight she had once been, before Feathertail died, before Hollyleaf and Lionblaze and Jayfeather and Sparkpelt and Alderheart were born, before Hollyleaf died...before Leafpool died. "Like you've never broken a rule before in your life."

She took a step backward, beckoning him with her tail. "Come on."

Crowfeather did want to visit Leafpool's grave. But he was the deputy. He had a responsibility. He couldn't just go on to another Clan's territory, even with that Clan's deputy's permission, because the _deputy's_ permission wasn't the _leader's_ permission, now was it? Logically, Crowfeather knew that the right thing to do would be to thank Squirrelflight, decline her offer, and leave before he broke the warrior code by trespassing on another Clan's territory. 

The heart very rarely listens to logic (as Crowfeather well knew). He followed her.

Squirrelflight brought him to a clearing in the middle of the forest, heavy with the scent of thyme. There was a mound of earth near one side, with no grass or growth on it. They stopped beside it.

"Leafpool liked to collect herbs here," Squirrelflight told him. "She said it was peaceful."

"It is," Crowfeather agreed, looking up at the moon.

Both cats bowed their heads, each of them lost in their own thoughts and memories. Crowfeather didn't know what Squirrelflight was thinking. He hardly knew what he himselfwas thinking.

Leafpool was dead.

He had known that for a while already, of course. But here, staring at the mound of earth beneath which Leafpool's body lay, the permanence of the fact seemed to hit him in his heart.

 _But she lives on in StarClan,_ Crowfeather tried to tell himself. _Squirrelflight saw her. She's happy there._

Some comfort _that_ was. Crowfeather wasn't in StarClan, was he? And dead was dead.

But both Ashfoot and Feathertail had visited him, hadn't they? And they were happy too. He had managed, somehow, without them.

But after Feathertail he had had Leafpool! What would he do now?

A breeze stirred his fur. _I am all right,_ it seemed to whisper.

Crowfeather froze. He looked wildly around the clearing, but there was no cat there except himself and Squirrelflight, who was gazing at the stars.

The breeze rustled. _I am all right,_ it whispered again. A familiar scent wafted around Crowfeather. _I am safe. I am happy. It will be hard, but both of you must go on without me._

"But-" Crowfeather whispered. He wasn't sure if Squirrelflight was hearing this or not.

 _You have to,_ the breeze whispered. _Your Clan needs you, and will need you more than you know, in the coming moons. You must live without me._

"I can't," Crowfeather whispered. "I-we were apart before, and that-but-you're _dead_. You're _gone_."

 _Dead isn't gone,_ the breeze rustled, sounding faintly amused. _I will always be watching over each of you. And you have what to live for, Crowfeather. Your Clan. Your kin._

"Leafpool," Crowfeather breathed. It was the first time he had spoken her name since her death, if one didn't count the nightmares.

 _I will always be watching over you, Crowfeather,_ her voice promised.

Then the breeze blew past him, toward Squirrelflight.

Crowfeather breathed in the last wisps of Leafpool's scent. She was right. She was dead, and dead wasn't gone, and he had what to live for. He had Breezepelt and Heathertail and Smokehaze and Brindlewing and the new kits and Nightcloud, in a way, and even Lionblaze and-well, probably not Jayfeather.

He had his Clan. And he had his kin. And Leafpool was safe and happy. She had said so herself, and if he couldn't believe her, who could he believe?

He took a deep breath and looked up at the stars. The stars twinkled warmly back.

He felt finally, somewhat, at peace.

* * *

"Why did you do it?" Squirrelflight asked.

It was late at night. The full moon was high in the sky. The two of them were sitting at the edge of the ShadowClan camp,which was empty, as everyone else was sleeping. Earlier that night, at the Gathering, Bramblestar-or, according to Squirrelflight, the spirit possessing Bramblestar's body, which actually made a lot of sense after she had explained it and given the way Bramblestar had been acting lately-had convinced Mistystar and Harestar to exile Mothwing and Crowfeather, the only named codebreakers in their respective Clans. Crowfeather, however, had left _before_ Harestar could officially exile him. Then that young ThunderClan warrior, Stemleaf, had told him and Mothwing that ShadowClan was sheltering the exiled cats. So here he was, and it was late, and he wanted to go to sleep, like all other sensible cats were at this time of night, but Squirrelflight insisted on asking him questions like the one she was asking now, which was, "Why did you exile yourself?"

"I did what I had to," Crowfeather meowed tiredly.

Squirrelflight shifted. "You didn't _have_ to. Harestar would have stood up to the false Bramblestar."

"Really?" Crowfeather asked rhetorically.

"Well, Breezepelt and Nightcloud, then," Squirrelflight snapped. "Which they did! And a lot more cats from your Clan-and other Clans-would have too, if you hadn't left before they could!"

"Not all of them," Crowfeather pointed out.

"It's never all of them," the ginger she-cat informed him. "If there's one thing I've learned about being deputy, it's that whatever you do, there's always going to be at least one cat who's upset at you for some reason or other."

"True," Crowfeather admitted.

"Why did you leave?" she asked him, calmer now.

"You don't give up, do you?" he asked her.

Her ears twitched. "Never."

"If I'd stayed," Crowfeather began, "some cats would have stood up for me, like you said. But some cats wouldn't have. And they would have been fighting-if I'm really a codebreaker, if I should leave or not. Because of me."

Squirrelflight opened her mouth to say something, but he raised his tail to forestall her. 

"I've already caused enough conflict for my Clan," he went on. Squirrelflight didn't need to ask what he meant-she had been entangled in that conflict almost as much as he had. "I can't cause any more. It wouldn't be right. So I left."

Squirrelflight nodded. For a moment, neither cat spoke.

Squirrelflight touched his shoulder with her tail-tip. "Leafpool would be proud of you," she admitted quietly.

"You think so?" he asked.

She nodded. "I know so." 


End file.
